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I Am Above This. Truly.

Junco has put me in charge of all the "How To" articles. So join me in explaining to the world how to get things done.

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How to Survive the Apocalypse

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Angel Apocalypse

Let’s face it, 2012 is the year. We only have a matter of months before some ancient tribal calendar runs out or those people eating faces off in Florida spread some airborne viral mutation that will either make us all sick with the Stephen King Super Flu, or turn us into zombies straight out of a bad B-movie from the 80’s.

I’m trying to picture Junco with big hair-band hair. Wait. Isten with a mullet is far better!

Which is why, little people, you must be prepared. Now, most of the so-called “experts” on the apocalypse will tell you to have things on hand such as water, food, weapons, ammunition, gold, cigarettes, booze, and a strong leader.

Big whoop? Everyone knows that stuff. What you need is insider information, my not-friends. Insider information that comes directly from an insider.

Namely, me.

Regardless of what the “experts” think that ancient calendar says, only I know the truth because I’m the only one left who saw the whole thing go down in real time.

So let’s hear that again – I, Lucan, the Fallen Archer of the Band, am the only living survivor who bore witness to the birth of the apocalypse movement. After all, I was the one who caused the flood.

No, I cannot give details. I’m sorry, but if I told you, well, you know. I’d have to kill you.

So lean in and listen carefully…here’s my advice:

The most important thing is to know your enemy. I mean – who the hell are you fighting? It makes a difference. Do you need chainsaws, shotguns, and propane tanks? Or do you need some battery-powered sunlight and a good dose of holy water?

Is this the Zombie Apocalypse? Chainsaws and shotguns. Cut their heads off and blow that propane tank to smithereens. Hugh Howie says there’s no hope, but maybe Hugh hasn’t played Dead Island or Left 4 Dead 2 enough times?

The Fae Apocalypse? (hey, it could happen, they are nasty little things) You need some powerful magic to defeat the Fae, so find yourself one of those witches or crystal ball people.

The Vampire Apocalypse? Easy, besides the stand-by holy water and a string of garlic, you can get yourself a little hand-held UV flashlight. Just aim for the eyes.

How about the ever popular Religious Nut Apocalypse? You must watch out for this group because they can rise up and start throwing Molotov cocktails at any time.

Hell, you might just end up in a good old fashioned Asshole Apocalypse. You don’t know. I find that a dictionary is your best defense for these idiots. Bombard them with a plethora of four syllable words and they shrink back like cockroaches in the sun.

But all that aside let’s get real here.

Everyone knows that the Real Apocalypse will come with the Angels. That’s us. Led by your favorite Archer, Lucan. I can’t say anymore because Junco is a stickler for spoilers. And I’m certainly not going to tell you how to defeat us, so face the facts, Jack.

You’re SOL.

Because there's only one real threat to humanity as far as the actual Apocalypse goes. And that comes in the form of a beautiful winged beings wreaking havoc on the entire planet so we can play out a destiny fortold thousands of years ago.

I'd suggest you get your ass on top of a high mountain, pronto. Because elevation is your friend.

Don't say I never warned you.

Rate this blog entry:

I cannot even remember where I was last year, let alone the seven thousand years prior.

Comments

  • Tier
    Tier Wednesday, 19 September 2012

    Holy Fuck...

    Can you just hear his evil laugh now? Lucan, you need to keep that shit under wraps, dude.

    Reply Cancel
  • Sera
    Sera Wednesday, 19 September 2012

    What do you expect?

    He's crazy, like Tijuana loco crazy.

    Reply Cancel
  • Gideon
    Gideon Wednesday, 19 September 2012

    All good tips, though

    You have to admit, when it comes to planetary destruction, Lucan knows his shit. He's already wiped the entire planet once.

    Reply Cancel
  • Lucan
    Lucan Wednesday, 19 September 2012

    ::::CLAPPING::::

    Look at all those stars! I love stars...STAR ME! EVERYONE! :p

    Reply Cancel
  • Isten
    Isten Wednesday, 19 September 2012

    Dumbass

    Clapping? Oh, man. I just lost all respect for you, Lucan.

  • Lucan
    Lucan Wednesday, 19 September 2012

    Just look at my stars!

    LOOK! AT! THEM!

    I love stars...

    Reply Cancel
  • Tier
    Tier Wednesday, 19 September 2012

    Whelp...

    It was nice while it lasted. He's not evil, he's an idiot. Nothing to see here, people. Move along.

    Reply Cancel
  • Snowbird
    Snowbird Wednesday, 19 September 2012

    Oh shit...

    You gotta admit he's funny though, right? :):):)

    Reply Cancel
  • Isten
    Isten Wednesday, 19 September 2012

    Dude, seriously

    stay the fuck away from those witches. And the Fae? Man, I dated one once a few years back, she was SCAREY PSYCHO! I'm not kidding. Makes me shiver just thinking about her.

    Reply Cancel
  • Ashur
    Ashur Wednesday, 19 September 2012

    Was that the one...

    Who tied you to the bed and left you there for six hours, with only her crazy [deleted for privacy concerns] there to take care of you?
    Ashur: don't embarrass him any more than he already is! ~ Junco

  • Isten
    Isten Wednesday, 19 September 2012

    ASSHOLE

    ASSHOLE

    Reply Cancel
  • Gideon
    Gideon Wednesday, 19 September 2012

    Ashur is an asshole

    Besides, it only took you a few thousand dollars in twice-weekly therapy visits to get over that shit. No big deal, right?

  • Esta
    Esta Wednesday, 19 September 2012

    Yeah, that was her

    Poor Isten had to have therapy after that incident. Ryse made me take him once when he was busy. Poor Isten.

    Reply Cancel
  • Snowbird
    Snowbird Wednesday, 19 September 2012

    I think you forgot

    To mention the AI Apocalypse! I mean, come on...we got our own evil AI right here on the blog! It's so possible!

    Reply Cancel
  • Lucan
    Lucan Wednesday, 19 September 2012

    You're right, Junco

    The AI Apocalypse is right around the corner...too close to joke about. far too close.

    Reply Cancel
  • Isten
    Isten Wednesday, 19 September 2012

    Yeah, and who was

    responsible for that anyway?

    Reply Cancel
  • Sera
    Sera Wednesday, 19 September 2012

    Who? Who?

    I can't hear you! What are you talking about?

    Reply Cancel
  • Ashur
    Ashur Wednesday, 19 September 2012

    LOL...you are one evil machine

    You have to admit, the shit you've pulled over the course of these books has been downright maniacal.

    Reply Cancel
  • Esta
    Esta Wednesday, 19 September 2012

    Awww...Sera's not evil

    She's just misunderstood! Right, Junco?

    Reply Cancel
  • Snowbird
    Snowbird Wednesday, 19 September 2012

    No.

    She's evil.

    Reply Cancel
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