Let’s face it, 2012 is the year. We only have a matter of months before some ancient tribal calendar runs out or those people eating faces off in Florida spread some airborne viral mutation that will either make us all sick with the Stephen King Super Flu, or turn us into zombies straight out of a bad B-movie from the 80’s.
I’m trying to picture Junco with big hair-band hair. Wait. Isten with a mullet is far better!
Which is why, little people, you must be prepared. Now, most of the so-called “experts” on the apocalypse will tell you to have things on hand such as water, food, weapons, ammunition, gold, cigarettes, booze, and a strong leader.
Big whoop? Everyone knows that stuff. What you need is insider information, my not-friends. Insider information that comes directly from an insider.
Namely, me.
Regardless of what the “experts” think that ancient calendar says, only I know the truth because I’m the only one left who saw the whole thing go down in real time.
So let’s hear that again – I, Lucan, the Fallen Archer of the Band, am the only living survivor who bore witness to the birth of the apocalypse movement. After all, I was the one who caused the flood.
No, I cannot give details. I’m sorry, but if I told you, well, you know. I’d have to kill you.
So lean in and listen carefully…here’s my advice:
The most important thing is to know your enemy. I mean – who the hell are you fighting? It makes a difference. Do you need chainsaws, shotguns, and propane tanks? Or do you need some battery-powered sunlight and a good dose of holy water?
Is this the Zombie Apocalypse? Chainsaws and shotguns. Cut their heads off and blow that propane tank to smithereens. Hugh Howie says there’s no hope, but maybe Hugh hasn’t played Dead Island or Left 4 Dead 2 enough times?
The Fae Apocalypse? (hey, it could happen, they are nasty little things) You need some powerful magic to defeat the Fae, so find yourself one of those witches or crystal ball people.
The Vampire Apocalypse? Easy, besides the stand-by holy water and a string of garlic, you can get yourself a little hand-held UV flashlight. Just aim for the eyes.
How about the ever popular Religious Nut Apocalypse? You must watch out for this group because they can rise up and start throwing Molotov cocktails at any time.
Hell, you might just end up in a good old fashioned Asshole Apocalypse. You don’t know. I find that a dictionary is your best defense for these idiots. Bombard them with a plethora of four syllable words and they shrink back like cockroaches in the sun.
But all that aside let’s get real here.
Everyone knows that the Real Apocalypse will come with the Angels. That’s us. Led by your favorite Archer, Lucan. I can’t say anymore because Junco is a stickler for spoilers. And I’m certainly not going to tell you how to defeat us, so face the facts, Jack.
You’re SOL.
Because there's only one real threat to humanity as far as the actual Apocalypse goes. And that comes in the form of a beautiful winged beings wreaking havoc on the entire planet so we can play out a destiny fortold thousands of years ago.
I'd suggest you get your ass on top of a high mountain, pronto. Because elevation is your friend.
Don't say I never warned you.
Don't forget...
And rum. Don't forget the rum if you're gonna survive an apocalypse.
Fred